Playing The Infield

I spent my Memorial Day weekend doing what everyone in the Midwest should have been doing—sweating uncontrollably, walking more than any person should ever have to, and watching fast cars go around a big oval. I’m talking of course about going to the Indianapolis 500, otherwise known as “The Greatest Spectacle In Racing” (not to be confused with Lance Armstrong, who is known as “The Greatest Testicle In Racing”).

I realized this past weekend that, for the most part, I have taken the race for granted. Until I came to college, I had spent my entire life in the surrounding Indianapolis area, so the race was always around and was always shoved in my face. It took me moving to Ohio to completely appreciate what I left behind. Before I talk about my experience this past Sunday, though, I think it’s important to understand the different types of fans that come to the race. The way I see it, there are five types of fans at the track each and every Indy 500. They are as follows:

The Rich/Celebrity Fan

The Indy 500 attracts so many C and D list celebrities that if you aren’t completely paying attention, you might think you’re watching “Dancing with the Stars.” In the celebrity rundown section in The Indianapolis Star, you could find people like Jared Fogle, the “getting a stomach staple and claiming it was Subway was the best decision of my life” guy and Jay Bush, the “I have the most disobedient dog in the world” guy. It’s gotten to the point that I’m fairly confident if I get kicked out of the NFL and MLB drafts, they’ll let me drive the pace car next year. Really, it’s like these people come to the race because it’s the one weekend that they know they will be treated like A-listers and for that I really can’t be mad at them.

My good friend and former teammate Michael Conley (who is the starting point guard for the Memphis Grizzlies, for those of you who don’t know) rode to and from Indianapolis with me and on the way back to Columbus he described his Indy 500 experience. He talked about how a limo dropped him off right outside the track, bypassing the hundreds of thousands of fans who had to walk up to five miles. He told stories of finger foods and rubbing elbows with A.C. Slater in a suite overlooking the start/finish line. He spoke about men wearing tuxedoes and monocles, who were ready to serve at the snap of a finger. I calmly explained to him that he really didn’t go to the race at all. It’s like he was trying to make me puke.

The Diehard Fan

I know some of you are saying to yourself, “But I love John McClane. There’s no way he’s going to make fun of me for that, is there?” Relax. I’m not talking about that kind of diehard fan. I’m talking about the guy who has those radio headphones on so he can hear what’s going on while he’s watching what’s going on, and will probably at some point tell a female that he’s on the same frequency as Tony Kanaan’s team and can hear their strategy. This guy has every driver’s number and chief sponsor memorized, knows the series standings, and probably had a life at one point in time. Tragic, really.

I know the diehard fan better than I should because, well, I lived with one for 18 years. For as long as I can remember, my dad has loved NASCAR (totally different sport than Indy Car, he’ll tell you), which is surprising because he regularly wears a tie and isn’t afraid to comb his hair. He doesn’t have the radio headphones, but you can bank on it that every race he goes to he finds the guy that does and instantly becomes best friends with him. Unless he’s a Tony Stewart fan, in which case my dad will tell the guy that Tony Stewart caused the Holocaust and is the reason the economy sucks. My dad’s hatred for Tony Stewart runs so deep that he refused to set foot in a Home Depot while they sponsored Stewart and has since applied the same stipulation to Office Depot. I wish I were making this up. I can only pray, for his sake, that McDonald’s never decides to become the chief sponsor for Stewart. My dad and his daily Egg McMuffin breakfast would be faced with a rather serious crisis.

The Local/Regular Fan

If it weren’t for my experience last weekend (more on this later), I would consider myself a local/regular fan. These types come to the race because they either live within a half hour of the track or because they’ve been to every race for as long as they can remember. Most are a combination of both. These are the kinds of fans who make sure they buy the program as soon as they get there and are probably wearing the official Indy 500 t-shirt from 1995. If you ask them who they are cheering for, chances are they will say “either Arie Luyendyk or Al Unser Jr.” because they have no idea who is even in the race. And why should they? Who is in the race isn’t important. The fact that they are keeping a family tradition alive is.

The First Timer

The first time fans are the laughing stock of everyone at the race and are pretty easy to pick out. These are the people who are stunned by how much walking is involved and can be heard saying things like, “I had no idea it was going to be so hot.” These people are usually the ones who are shocked with how disgusting the restrooms are and don’t see what the big deal is about cars just going around in circles. Despite being told over and over by friends how intense the race actually is, the first time fan will always be surprised and will angrily ask their friends, “Why didn’t you tell me how intense the race actually is?” This question is usually answered with a firm punch to the face.

Finally, we have the race fan that is the backbone of the Indy 500, which is why I chose to be this type of fan on Sunday. The other four fan types are always jealous of this fan, because they will never have anywhere close to the same amount of fun as…

The Infield Fan

There are actually two infield sections during the 500. The turn two infield section is a family friendly area where kids can play freeze tag and trade Pokémon cards without worrying about hearing four letter words or seeing their first pair of headlights. The turn two infield is where mothers hand out juice boxes and tell their kids that Santa Claus can make it around the world in one night because his sleigh is faster than the cars on the track. I would say that the turn two infield is so boring that it’s not even funny, but that phrase insinuates that if there were a little less boredom, the turn two infield would actually be kind of humorous. And there’s nothing funny about seeing a father of two, five years removed from college frat parties, holding his wife in one hand and a bag full of wet wipes and animal crackers in the other.

Turn three, on the other hand, is a living example of every reason why I don’t want to ever have a daughter.

There’s a bit that Jim Gaffigan does about holidays that almost exactly captures the collective attitude of the turn three infield at the Indy 500. I’m fully aware that most of you are too lazy to click on the links, so I’ll just tell you that there’s a line in which he mocks how Americans rationalize their overeating during holidays. “I normally don’t have a burger, a brat, and a steak, but it is the Fourth of July…” In a similar manner, people in the infield have the attitude that “I usually wouldn’t bong three beers in a row while my pants are at my ankles, but this is the Indy 500…”

What makes the infield so special is that it’s impossible to watch the race. The track is two and a half miles around, so when you are standing 100 yards away from it, you can’t really see all that much. I didn’t know when the race started, I didn’t know who was leading at any point during the race, and I didn’t know when the race was over. Part of this was because I couldn’t see what was going on. But mostly I was just distracted by the behavior of everyone in the infield that surely would have made their parents proud.

I decided that if I was going to sit in the turn three infield, I should probably do my best to fit in. That’s why I wore a Budweiser tank top with jean shorts that were cut off just below the pockets and construction boots with high socks. By doing this, I could gain the trust of the people in the infield and get a comprehensive understanding of what they go through. Basically I was John Howard Griffin, only instead of changing the pigmentation of my skin and dealing with irrational hatred on a daily basis, I wore a tank top and was overly obnoxious.

My first awesome encounter with the people of the infield came as the parade of veterans was making its way around the track. The people in the infield are some of the most patriotic people alive, which was made obvious to me when virtually everyone started chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!” I decided to get in on the action and began the same chant at both logical and completely illogical times (I accidentally started a chant during the national anthem. Whoops.) The chanting eventually morphed into me just walking around asking people if they loved America and then screaming “Home of the free because of the brave!” and chest bumping them after they would obviously say yes. God bless this country.

At one point, I saw a white guy (please make note of his skin tone, as this is important for the story) wearing an old school New Jersey Nets #30 jersey in my vicinity. Because I’m basically an old school jersey professional, I immediately knew he was rocking a Kerry Kittles and felt an obligation to congratulate him on his wearing of a rare jersey. I walked over to the jersey wearer and said something like, “Kerry Kittles…that’s awesome”, at which point he gave me a thumbs up and walked away. This prompted a drunk guy to get up from his own puddle of urine, walk over to me, and ask if that was the real Kerry Kittles (this is why the skin tone was important). I answered with a rather predictable, “You bet it is.” The guy went on to tell me that he was a huge Kerry Kittles fan because he grew up in Cincinnati and graduated from Moeller, which was the same high school Ken Griffey Jr. went to. I asked if that’s where Kerry Kittles also went to high school and he said, “No, but he did go to Villanova.” Oh, well thanks for clearing that up. Come to think of it, there’s a good chance the guy I was talking to was former Ohio State and Moeller basketball player Matt Sylvester, but I just didn’t realize it at the time. If that’s the case, it was good to see you again, Syl. You look great.

Toward the end of the race, after the “liquid bread” had been flowing for a solid four hours, a typical redneck (no need to describe this guy. Just think of the first image that comes to mind when someone says the word “redneck.” Yep, that was him) decided that he couldn’t hold out any longer—he just HAD to put his arm around me and start singing. His song of choice was Skid Row’s “18 and Life”, which seemed like the perfect song to be coming out of this guy’s mouth. I originally thought he was a fraud because he only sang ,“Ricky was a young boy” before mumbling the rest of the first verse, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt since he was trashed out of his mind. Plus, once I started singing the chorus he jumped back in and sang until he suddenly stopped and yelled, “Ladies, show us your boobs!” If the world had more heroes like this guy it would be a much better place.

If you’ve never been to an Indy 500 and you are between the ages of 21-30 (either literally or in your mind), I recommend you make sitting in the infield for a race a top priority of yours. I’ve made it clear in the past that this blog is, for the most part, family friendly, which is my way of saying that I left out the top 15 best stories that happened at the track. There were beer showers (just like it sounds), fist fights, and people making love. There were ladies in the men’s room, men in the ladies’ room (wait, how would I know?), and more exposed skin than clothing being worn. It was everything I wanted my 10th birthday party to be, before my mom informed me that she (and I’m paraphrasing here) “doesn’t know the first thing about having a good time.”

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I want to inform the Trillion Man March that I have had a Twitter account for a little while but haven’t really used it all that much. I initially started it as a way to post my favorite links, but I never really got into it. Until now. I have recently been tweeting (these Twitter terms are out of control) a lot solely because I’ve fallen in love with live tweeting, which basically consists of me watching something on TV and breaking it down with the most accurate and serious minute-by-minute analysis ever. I suggest you follow me and keep an eye out for these live tweeting sessions. I plan on doing it at least once a week, so join in on the fun if you’re up to it.

Also, I’ve received a bunch of e-mails about how I’m ripping off the San Jose Sharks and ABC. Apparently the Sharks (best hockey team name ever) named their arena the Shark Tank and ABC has announced that they have a new show coming out with the same name. Because of this, I’ve decided to change the name of my mailbag, but I haven’t decided what the name will be yet. I like the idea of somehow incorporating “shark” into the name, but that’s not a must. The next blog post should be of the mailbag variety, so I’ll definitely have a new name by then. If you think your idea for a name is the most creative thing you’ve ever come up with, feel free to send it in. If your idea sucks, keep it to yourself.

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Streak for the Cash Group Leader: T. Rittenhouse and R. Huff (streak of 13 wins)

Streak for the Cash Group Loser: B. Truslow, for the fourth entry in a row (streak of 15 losses). Truslow responded to the challenge I sent him with the last post and has since lost two more picks. You are quite possibly the biggest loser of all-time. Ever.

Your awesome YouTube was sent in to me by Jack K. There’s your shout-out, Jack. And here's your video.

Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus

Club Trillion Founder

SPJ convention scholarship!!

Look no further than SPJ for recognition of your hard work upholding our First Amendment rights. And with SPJ, you can combine that with the chance to meet journalism recruiters, professionals and students from all over the country at the 2009 SPJ Convention, August 27-30 in Indianapolis. Apply for the Robert D. G. Lewis First Amendment Awardfor a $500 prize that helps get you to Indianapolis, where you will make invaluable career connections and share your efforts with other defenders of the First Amendment.   As a Convention attendee, you'll find professional development sessions that will directly help your future journalism career. Take advantage of the following:   SPJ's Six-Step Program to Career Success Not only is a complimentary massage included in this package, but so are a dozen sessions on a range of career-enhancing advice, personal writing critiques  and access to the Career Development Center.   Programs to upgrade your skills and help land you that first job Now, more than ever, it's important to stay sharp and ahead of the game. Learn how to ask the big interview questions that get the biggest results ; work with Chicago Sun-Times Web editor Kristen Miller to learn how to tell your stories interactively online; or find your next job at "Weird Careers in Journalism" from former hiring editor Michael Koretzky who knows where to look.   Start your journalism career off right. Visit the 2009 SPJ Convention Web site for more information and DON'T WAIT TO REGISTER! The deadline for the Robert D. G. Lewis First Amendment Award is July 14. Get the application details here.   If you have any questions about the application process, contact SPJ Awards Coordinator Lauren Rochester at 317-927-8000 ext. 210 orlrochester@spj.org.   We hope to see you in Indianapolis!

Meet the New Executive Board for '09-'10

Eryn Bostwick ~ President

I am a third year Journalism major with a minor in Political Science. My passion for politics landed me an amazing internship wiht Gongwer News Service, where I cover committee meetings at the Statehouse. I have learned so much there and wouldn't trade the experience for anything! My favorite part of the journalism program at OSU is that the variety of classes allows each student to focus on what they are really interested in.

Zack Meisel ~ Vice President

I'm a sophomore journalism major with an undying passion for sportswriting that's constantly challenged by neverending disappointment and heartbreak from my hometown Cleveland sports teams. I covered sports for The Lantern the entire year, focusing on the football and men's and women's basketball teams. I'll be the sports editor of the paper starting in the fall and hope to continue to pursue a career in the field of sports journalism. Previous internships: CollegeFanz Sports Network, Unigo.

Molly Gray ~ Relations Executive

Hi! I'm a sophomore journalism and international studies major. I was a sports writer for The Lantern for Fall '08 and Winter '09 and I am now the Arts and Entertainment editor (started Spring '09 and will continue until Winter '10). I love both fields and don't know where I'll end up yet! I have had an internship with Bleacher Report Inc., a sports news site. I worked as a photographer at Dodger Stadium in high school. And I will be interning this summer at NBC4 in Columbus. I am in Ohio for school but I lived the first 18 years of my life in Los Angeles and will be a Lakers and Dodgers fan until the day I die. I hope to return to L.A. after graduation and write for the L.A. Times. GO BUCKS!

Kristen Levenick ~ Treasurer

My name is Kristen Levenick and I am a sophomore journalism major, as well as a psychology major and sexuality studies minor. I'm only just getting my feet wet in the journalism program here at Ohio State, but I am eager to learn and get involved with as much as I can. I am particularly drawn to magazine journalism and feature writing and hope to be involved with something pertaining to that area in the future.

Next Meeting: Thursday, May 28 @ 5:45pm

The Central Ohio/Ohio State University chapter of ASAN will be meeting on Thursday, May 28 at 5:45pm at the campus Barnes & Noble/Long's Cafe, 1598 N. High St. We will meet in the coffee shop area on the first floor. OSU students, faculty, staff, and community members are welcome to attend!

The main goal of this meeting is to plan for a small event commemorating Autistic Pride Day in June.

Media Panel Tonight!!

Don't forget about the Media Panel today from 6:30-8pm in the Frank Hale Cultural Center's Multi-purpose room (100-F). 

The panelists include: NBC4 sports reporter, Omar Ruiz, Columbus Dispatch reporter, Simone Sebastian, Women's Studies Professor, Rebecca Wanzo, NBC4 photojournalist, Charles Busby, and the Columbus Association of Black Journalists president, Sherri Williams. 

The topic presented is "Biases in the Media," where each panelist will give insight and share personal accounts on how women, minorities and marginalized groups are covered in the media currently for the better or worse.
Communication Associate professor,  Dr. Osei Appiah will moderate.

This event is sure to be enlightening, thought-provoking, and interactive as attendees will get the opportunity to ask the panelists questions and view various misrepresentations in the media hands-on, from magazine covers to television shows, political cartoons, movies and video games.

Prism Vox Episode #3

Noranne has posted another episode of Prism Vox. It features some questions sent to her by yours truly. One the questions is would you want your child to be autistic. This question has a personal side for me. A few weeks before my now ex girlfriend dumped me she asked me this very question. My response, like Noranne's, was that I do not care but if I did have an autistic child I would be that child's advocate and go all out for their protection.

Responses by Dylan

Our friend Dylan has posted a pair of comments on earlier posts. Since I do not want them to be lost I am posting both of them here. In response to "New York Times Article on Asperger Marriage" Dylan commented:

I can understand your feelings towards the opposite sex. Bear in mind that I am in no way undermining your opinions and personal feelings towards the opposite sex. However, understand that these feelings of uncertainty about the opposite sex are not uncommon, even among neurotypical people. Although I draw much of my opinions for my own personal experiences with relationships (most of which have been unfortunately negative), I can easily understand that my case is not only common with those on the spectrum, also with people not on the spectrum, or neurotypical. Feelings of betrayal and uncertainty often stem from a lack of an understanding of the other person. However, as a defense mechanism that in innate in the human process of thought and understanding, we tend to place uncertainty as a bad thing, coupling the unknowing with a negative mindset. Although there is nothing wrong with that, it is also necessary to understand that this sort of behavior is more instinctual than anything else, and it is our job to sort out the premonitions we create from what is factual and tangible. I can fully understand the desire to have the partner speak to you more. That is to say that I understand your desire for the spoken word rather than subtle facial expressions and the like. Often times the replacement of actual spoken word with expressions and gestures of the face, hand and body is quite an evident aspect in human interaction. Keep in mind that I fully understand that the thought process of someone with AS (Asperger’s Syndrome) greatly differs to that of a neurotypical, but, and I say this with the upmost respect, it is also imperative that we understand the other side to that statement, being that although our thought process differs from “neurotypicals”, is also applies for them. This means that, with each side having differences than the other, it is important to find middle ground between each side, and finding mediation that works with each person.


In response to "Michael Savage Banned From England" Dylan commented:

Not to disagree with you, but he does hold some merit on some aspects of his case. Autism for a student means special treatment, regardless of the intentions of the student. Student A, who has Autism, may be wary of the treatment but accept it anyway, understanding that the special education will help him to succeed. Student B, who also has Autism, may want to exploit the special education. I’ve heard several students with Autism and AS (Asperger’s Syndrome) almost use their diagnosis as an excuse for delinquent behavior, and having more leverage over teachers and peers. An example could be: If student A who does not have Autism does action X which gets him a detention, he may give some excuses as to the situation. The teacher may or may not listen, but he or she would be more inclined to give that student the punishment. Student B who does have Autism may also do action X, but they could say that because of their disability they have trouble controlling themselves. This may or may not actually be true, but the teacher would not only be inclined to take away the punishment for student B, the teacher would almost be obligated to do so. What I’m saying is is that there are some cases that people with Autism use it to their advantage. Although it is a spectrum disorder, many people may not fully understand the definition of spectrum disorder, and expect each autism-affected student to act the same way, and often forgive them for thing that normal students would not get away with, regardless if being excused for those actions was the Autism-affected student’s intention. I’m not sure if banning him from the country was the best idea, though. It wasn’t like he was a violent person, or would harm anyway because of his opinion. There could be many people with the exact same opinion as he, but the only difference is that he is able to vocalize his opinion on a wide-scale. That really shouldn’t constitute a banishment or restriction from entering a country. Also, being a “right-wing” shouldn’t matter either. Conservatism may not exactly look down on Autism, but more so the funding that is to be given to the cause, which many often expects to come from the government. I don’t agree with much that he says though, Autism is not a fraud in any case. However, going past his ranting and raving there is a sliver of truth that he takes from, being that there are some people, that have Autism, that do use their disability to their own advantage in a way that is not necessary to them.

'Marriage' comes to Mershon

OSU Opera and the Department of Theatre present Mozart's The Marriage of Figaro Friday, May 29 and Saturday, May 30 at 8 pm in Mershon Auditorium. Set in an English manor in the late 20th century, this updated version of a timeless love story will be sung in Italian with English surtitles. Discount ticket prices for students, senior citizens, OSU faculty and staff (with ID). Above, students Amedee Moore and David Wilson rehearse.

Notable News

Ohio choreographers are invited to submit works for a new project that's a partnership of the Dublin Arts Council, OSU Department of Dance and OhioDance. The project involves the development and performance of a site-specific outdoor contemporary dance work. A chosen choreographer will create the work, using the Dublin Arts Council grounds, a grassy sloping location with a rolling hill descending to the Scioto River. For more information contact Jane D'Angelo at ohiodance@hotmail.com or find the invitaiton for submission here (scroll down to Sept events).

The Arts Initiative's offices present a new exhibition May 29-June 19 -- One Year in a Lifetime: A Celebration of First Grade. OSU alum Cavin Bodouin, first grade teacher at New Albany Elementary presents large-scale murals created by his 23 students as they explored a wide variety of subject matter throughout their first grade year. Opening reception is Friday, May 29, 5-7 pm.

Ohio State's popular Percussion Ensemble Pops Concert takes place on the Oval on Tuesday, May 26, at 6:30 pm. Bring a lawn chair or blanket to this free outdoor concert and enjoy the School of Music's Mallet Ensemble with music from the Ragtime era and the golden age of the xylophone.

DUE TOMORROW!!! Friday May 22!!

Communication Idol

Apparently three COPS faculty are viewed by the graduate students in an odd, pop-culture manner. Hayes, Holbert and Eveland are seen as three American (or Communication) Idol judges when evaluating and commenting on student presentations in the meetings. Hayes is Simon, Holbert is Paula, and Eveland is Randy. Thanks to Greg Hoplamazian for his excellent Photoshop skills in constructing this group photo of us... :-)

Myiah Hively Takes Not One, but TWO Top Student Paper Awards at AEJMC

I'm thrilled to share with you that Myiah Hively has won not only the top student paper award in the Mass Communication & Society division for this year's AEJMC conference, but also the top student paper award (i.e., Chaffee-McLeod Award) in the Communication Theory & Methodology division. Terrific work Myiah!

This, combined with the Dylko et al. paper winning a top-3 paper award in the communication technology (CTEC) division and Nori Comello winning a top-3 paper in the CT&M division (giving us 2 of the 3 student paper awards in CT&M this year), means OSU is taking a large bulk of the student paper awards from the relevant divisions this year.

I should also note that this is the third year in a row that a COPS student has won the top paper award in the MC&S division; Chris Shen won the top student paper award in that division two years ago, then a top-3 paper award in the division last year. Heather LaMarre, Kristen Landreville, and Michael Beam won the top student paper in that division last year, so we had 2 out of the three winners in MC&S last year just as we have 2 of the top three papers in CT&M this year.

So, congratulations to Myiah and all the others who worked hard and produced some terrific papers! We are all very proud of you.

Oh, and by the way, Myiah, Ivan, and Nori will all be on the academic job market this year, so their paper awards are well timed!

Next meeting: Thursday, May 21 @ 5:45pm

The Central Ohio/Ohio State University chapter of ASAN will be meeting on Thursday, May 21 at 5:45pm at the campus Barnes & Noble/Long's Cafe. We will meet in the coffee shop area on the first floor. OSU students, faculty, staff, and community members are welcome to attend!

At our meeting on Thursday, we hope to discuss the following: a possible activity for Autistic Pride Day (June 18), encounters with another campus autism organization and how to address these issues, our funding situation, staying connected with the Columbus/central Ohio community, and any issues that others in our group would like to address.

Download PDF flyer:

Questions? Leave a comment or email us at asan.ohiostate@gmail.com.

New York Times Article on Asperger Marriage

As people struggling with the stigma of not being able to empathize with others, one of the major concerns for those on the spectrum is the ability to successfully date and marry. With this in mind it is interesting to read David Finch’s article in the New York Times, “Somewhere Inside, a Path to Empathy.” David Finch did not discover he had Asperger syndrome until after he had been married for several years to a speech pathologist, who works professionally with autistic children. It was his wife who finally fingered him as an Asperger person. As someone who lived for years as someone who was not exactly normal and was only diagnosed with Asperger syndrome as an adult, I find David’s discussion of trying to fit in and lead a “normal” life to be remarkably touching.

Dealing with members of the opposite sex has certainly been a challenge for me. I have had my ups and downs and am still looking. Because, as an Asperger person, I put so much emphasis on what people say, I have often been taken aback and have felt betrayed by members of the opposite sex who fail to follow through with the words that come out of their mouths. I have often felt lied to. In a very technical sense I may be right. Part of learning about neurotypical thinking for me has been learning to accept these failures with some sense of charity and to try to not take it as personally.

Grad Students Earn AEJMC Top 3 Student Paper Award

Four COPS graduate students, Ivan Dylko, Kristen Landreville, Michael Beam, and Nick Geidner, were notified recently that they received a Top 3 Student Paper Award from the Communication Technology Division (CTEC) of the AEJMC. The award-winning paper is entitled, "Gatekeeping and YouTube: News Filters and the Intermedia Dynamic in the Age of User-Generated Content." This paper will be presented in August at the annual meeting of the AEJMC in Boston, MA. Congrats to these graduate students for their fine scholarship. Well done!

Newsweek Article on Ari Ne’eman

Newsweek has put out an article on Ari Ne’eman, “Erasing Autism.” The issue of research into the genetics of autism is certainly a tricky issue. One does not wish to hold back legitimate scientific research. On the other hand there are important questions to be asked particularly since we can count on this research being abused by the anti neuro-diversity people. I actually wrote a piece on this last year, back before Sarah Palin completely imploded on herself.

Speaking of the anti neuro-diversity people, they are already up in arms, which tells you how good an article it was. Hating Autism even accuses Newsweek of sodomizing autistic children. This strikes me as strange because the article is remarkably balanced. Upon reading the article I do not get the sense if the author of the article, Claudia Kalb, is for us or against us. She explains what Ari believes, gives a sense of what kind of person he is and offers some context as to the politics of autism. This is not a criticism of Ms. Kalb, on the contrary she is acting the part of a responsible journalist. One can only include that our anti neuro-diversity friends have a problem with anything that even acknowledges that articulate autistics, supporting neuro-diversity, even exist.

In regards to neuro-diversity, in case you have not seen it, please check out this twenty minute video, "Positively Autistic," done by the Canadian Broadcast Company last year on the topic. It features interviews with some of my favorite people in the autism world. First off it has Ari Ne’eman. Estee Klar of Joy of Autism is also interviewed. Ms. Klar is not on the spectrum, but is the mother of an autistic child, Adam. With neuro-diversity politics so often degenerating into autistics fighting against the parents of autistics it is good to know that people like Ms. Klar exist. Maybe we could start a “Mothers Who are Not Like Jenny McCarthy Award” or, to keep it short, a “Mom Award” to mothers and fathers, like Ms. Klar, who love and accept their autistic children instead of simply trying to “cure” them.

Shark Tank, Volume I

Nothing all that important has happened in the past week, so let’s get down to business with the first edition of the Shark Tank. Despite the temptation to make up fake e-mails, all of these are real e-mails sent in to the Club Trillion inbox. ___________________________________________________

I love the blog, have read every post, but I'm not sure about the "Shark Tank." Being from the San Jose Bay Area and knowing that the San Jose Shark's arena is referred to as the "Shark Tank" makes it sound like a bit of a rip-off to me. Shark Cage maybe? Or even Shark Box? I don't know. The blog contains more original ideas and commentaries than any other that I read and I would like to see it stay that way.

- Jarrod Schwartz

To be honest, I had no clue about the Shark Tank in San Jose. It’s baffling to me how many hockey fans read this blog, so maybe I should start being more aware of what’s going on in hockey. While it may come across as a rip-off of the Sharks arena, it’s what the Trillion Man March wanted and thus, it’s what I am obligated to call it. I’ll make it up to you, Jarrod, by watching every game of the Stanley Cup Finals. Seems like a fair trade, considering I’ve watched a total of five minutes of hockey this season. Speaking of naming things after sharks…

My friend Colin nicknamed himself "The Shark" because he goes after wounded women at parties (not wounded physically, maybe handicapped, but more importantly emotionally scarred or bigger women). Do you get your nickname from similar female preferences?

- Mike from Milwaukee

You’re on to me, Mike. Let this be our little secret.

What big man would you rather have on your team during their prime: “Big Country" Bryant Reeves or Rik Smits?

- Andrew Johnson

Being from the suburbs of Indianapolis, the obvious pick would be for me to take The Dunkin’ Dutchman, but I’m going to go the other way and take Big Country for a few reasons. The first being that, along with Chris Mullin, he was doing all he could to revive the flattop as the haircut of choice for Americans. Secondly, the dude looked like he was literally born on a farm and started playing basketball only because he got tired of wrestling pigs. The Dunkin’ Dutchman’s mullet was nice, but for my money I’m taking the guy who more than likely pulled tractors instead of lifting weights and could probably drink a six pack without even being fazed. Had he played longer, he could have easily been my favorite player ever.

Up to now, the most famous sportsmen from your hometown were those Little League World Series kids. Were you one of them? And where do you think you stand in relation to them in terms of overall Brownsburg historical importance?

- David Kang

I was not on either of the LLWS teams, but I did play against the first Brownsburg team to go to Williamsport. I didn’t move to Brownsburg until after Little League, so I couldn’t play for them. The team I was on lost to Brownsburg in the first round of the tourney via the mercy rule and I’m pretty sure the Brownsburg pitcher threw a one-hitter. I’ll let you guess who got the one hit.

As far as who means more to the town of Brownsburg, it’s really a no-brainer. The Little League team got parades thrown for them and have shrines set up for them in the local junior high. There are signs outside Brownsburg that basically say “Welcome to Brownsburg—Our Little League Team Is Better Than Yours.” I’m not even sure anyone from my hometown is aware of my blog or that I ended up at Ohio State. These guys were 12-year-old rock stars and still probably get free meals back home. For me to overtake them on the importance scale, I’d have to at least get my own Wikipedia page and from what I’ve been told, that’s already been tried once and Wikipedia shut it down. Can’t really blame them. To answer the question, the World Series guys are blowing me out of the water and are in a league (pun absolutely intended) of their own.

When someone is telling a story about something that happened to them, do you barely listen and just wait for them to finish their story so you can tell a little anecdote more directly involving yourself? I'm just saying. You might be that type.

- Marykate Murphy

I’m not entirely sure what you are asking and frankly I don’t care because it’s not nearly as interesting as the time I scored a hat trick in an international soccer match.

Following my high school graduation, I went on a mission trip to Mexico where I helped build houses and answered every question that the natives asked me with “TA-KEEEE-LAAA!” After we built the houses, we had a festival type thing (that we threw) to celebrate how genuinely considerate we were. Part of this festival consisted of interacting with the Mexican kids. I decided the best way to interact with them was to give them a steady dose of buckets. With my feet.

The first goal I scored came when I kicked the ball as hard as I could right at the seven year old Mexican goalkeeper and hit him square in the chest. As he fell to the ground crying and yelling in Spanish, “You are the greatest soccer player of all-time, white man” (Note: It’s unknown if that’s actually what he said), I gave the ball a little tap and rolled it into the empty net.

My second goal came when a teammate lobbed a pass in my direction and I caught the ball in my t-shirt. Since the ball didn’t actually touch my hands, it wasn’t handball but instead was the smartest play in the history of soccer. I proceeded to casually walk into the goal and drop the ball from my shirt. Despite the little Mexican kids waving their arms at me and yelling what sounded like lyrics to a Ricky Martin song, I decided the goal counted. They were just jealous they didn’t think of that first.

I sealed the deal on my hat trick when I did what we call “cherry picking” in the basketball world. Instead of going back to play defense, I stayed by the goal I was shooting at and waited for my team to regain possession. When we did, a teammate kicked it down to me and I had only the goalkeeper standing in my way. Because I rocketed a ball off his chest earlier, he was a little timid and didn’t even try to stop my shot attempt. After I scored, the Mexican kids started yelling “No, No No!” which, at the time, I thought was their way of celebrating my hat trick. Later, a teammate would explain to me that the kids were claiming that I was offside and the goal shouldn’t have counted. I laughed at my teammate’s ignorance and told him that we were playing soccer, not football, and there is no such thing as offside in soccer. It’s like he was trying to be dumb on purpose.

And that’s how I essentially conquered Mexico.

Been a big fan of the blog from the very beginning and I appreciate your expertise in music so I’m hoping you can help me out with a problem. I’m getting married in a few months and one of the two jobs my fiancé gave me is to put together a list of songs for the DJ to play at the reception. The other job is for me and, more importantly, my groomsmen to show up to the wedding sober. Can you give me a list of songs that you think I should definitely have played?

- Tyler Creach

I love that Tyler didn’t ask me for advice on how to show up sober. He’s got his priorities straight and that’s important for any marriage. Nonetheless, here’s how it needs to go down:

You start off the reception with your wife and you on opposite sides of the room. Cue Kenny Loggins’ “Meet Me Halfway.” You guys start walking toward each other and literally meet halfway on the dance floor and share your first dance.

Next, you include all the guests because, let’s be honest, they really don’t want to watch you and your wife dance together all night. That’s why you need to go with a song that has a dance that corresponds with it. Some would go with the Electric Slide or the Cupid Shuffle, but you should go with the “Cha-Cha Slide Part 2” only to see how people interpret the instructions to “Charlie Brown.” Nobody could possibly know what they are being asked to do.

At this point, all the guests will be wiped out from all that “Charlie Brown-ing” and will be dying for the tempo to be slowed down. That’s when you turn to everyone’s favorite country slow song, Lonestar’s “Amazed.”

Because “Amazed” is a fantastic song, your grandmother more than likely decided to get on the dance floor and get in on the action. This will be awkward for you, so you will want to shift into emergency “go sit back down, grandma” mode. You can make her do just that by playing any rap song in the world. I suggest something like Ja Rule’s “Livin’ It Up.” Yeah, that would do the trick.

Then comes the most important time of any reception. You need to gauge how drunk your guests are. You do this by playing a song in which everyone knows the chorus. Something like Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” would easily accomplish this. While it’s not a song that is necessarily great to dance to, if the guests are as under the influence as they should be, they will make it work.

From there, it’s important to figure out who of the drunkards has taken it to the next level and is undisputedly the drunkest person at the reception. This will more than likely be an uncle that you really aren’t all that close to. Blasting Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” will provide an opportunity for the drunks to not only belt out the chorus, but also do some inappropriate improv dance moves. The door will be wide open for that over-the-top drunk (read: your uncle) to cement his legacy as the guy who maybe had a little too much fun at the reception.

Finally, when it’s time to call it quits (on the reception, not the marriage), you want to pick a song that accomplishes a few things. First, the song has to be a strong one because it will be the song that everyone remembers. I couldn’t tell you who got married at all the weddings I’ve been to, but I can easily remember the last song at each reception. Also, it needs to be a song that appeals to everyone. It can’t be too sappy because the single people don’t want to hear about how lonely they are. It can’t be all about having a good time, because you are trying to establish a mature marriage. Beyond that, it needs to be a song that will make every woman in the room latch on to the fellas. This is the best wedding gift you could possibly give to your male guests. It’s not like the ladies have to throw themselves at the guys, but the song should at least give the fellas one last solid chance to score a bridesmaid's number. The best song that I can think of that accomplishes these things, while still appealing to the people who don’t want to dance but just want to sit there and sing along, is Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be.” That would be a great way to top off one heck of a playlist.

Good lord, I should be a DJ.

As a high school student, it's that time of year again. No, not just final exams, but perhaps the most underrated aspect of the end of the year festivities: yearbook signing. As the students go their separate ways for the summer, they are provided with the opportunity to send each other off with a message that will be read both then and in later years, perhaps by the yearbook owners' progeny. Here's my question: what are some of the best tricks of the yearbook signing trade? I want to mix it up a little this year because, frankly, HAGS is getting a little stale.

- Eric Oldfather

Have a good summer is overdone, but there's a reason so many people use it—it works. Plus, chances are that one of the chicks whose yearbook you write that in will be dumb enough to think that you genuinely care about the quality of their summer and will therefore find you to be the most sensitive guy in the world. So when in doubt, just go back to that. But if you are really trying to step your game up, you have a few options.

The first choice is to write a paragraph that spells out an inappropriate word using the first letter of each line. An example is as follows:

Being as excited as I was for this year, I can’t believe it’s finally
Over. We had a lot fun together and I can’t wait for another year
Of high school. I know that we'll be ready for whatever the future
Brings. Whatever happens, though, I promise to do what I can to
Stay in touch with you. -Eric Oldfather

This will provide you a perfect opportunity to write naughty words in the yearbook, while still laying on all that cliché junk. Chances are, whoever’s yearbook you write that in won’t even realize what you just did. I prefer doing this to girls’ yearbooks because guys are much more likely to notice inappropriate words.

Another approach you could take is a personal favorite of mine. Basically with this approach you fabricate things to confuse the owner of the yearbook both in the present and ten years down the road. For example, write something like this in a kid’s yearbook who you only hung out with a few times:

Man, I’ll never forget cruising through town in your truck. That was by far the most fun I’ve had in high school. That one time that we honked at those dudes on skateboards was sick! We have definitely got to do that this summer! -Eric Oldfather

By writing this, you confuse the owner of the yearbook on two levels. The first being that when he immediately reads it, he will feel guilty because to him, riding around in his truck wasn’t that much fun. Secondly, because riding around in the truck wasn’t a big deal, he will surely forget about it in ten years. When he busts out his yearbook and reads back on all the fun times in high school, he won’t be able to remember riding around in the truck and will spend a good deal of time trying to figure out why that was an important enough event for you to write about it in his yearbook.

There’s your strategy for the ladies and your strategy for the guys. All that’s left is using a Club Trillion quote as your senior quote and you’ll solidify your place in the Yearbook Hall of Fame.

I was just wondering how yourself, an eligible, college basketball star goes about picking up the ideal college girl?

- Brian Rybak

Easy. I walk up to the target and simply whisper, “Let me be your hero” like Enrique does at the beginning of “Hero.” She will either get chills or smack me across the face. If it’s the former, I’m money. If it’s the latter, she sucks and isn’t my type anyway.

(Yes, I do realize that I’ve linked to Enrique in two different blog entries. Sue me. I’ll apologize when that song stops representing exactly how I feel about every single one of you.)

Sometimes, though, I don’t have to do anything at all to pick up the babes…

Thought you’d be interested to know, you have been accepted onto the celebrities I can freely cheat on my boyfriend with. I’d been lobbying to get you added, there were some disputes because you’re local.

- Megan F.

Umm…thanks?

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Don’t be discouraged if your Shark Tank attempt didn’t make it in this edition. When I started this entry, I copied and pasted about 30 e-mails that I thought were worthy and had to cut them back because I didn’t feel like writing for a week straight. Just because you may have been cut out this time doesn’t mean I won’t use your e-mail in the next edition of the Shark Tank. Also, feel free to send in new e-mails. I really enjoyed the first batch and I can’t wait to see where the Trillion Man March takes it from here.

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Streak for the Cash Group Leader: K. Williams and T. Rittenhouse (streak of 13 wins)

Streak for the Cash Group Loser: B. Truslow, for the third entry in a row (streak of 13 losses). To be fair, he hasn’t made a pick since April 25th. Make a pick, Truslow, or forfeit your biggest loser shout-out next blog entry.

Your awesome YouTube was sent in to me by Brian H. Personally, I found Gheorghe Mureşan’s broken English much more awesome than the concept of the commercial. At any rate, there’s your shout-out, Brian. And here's your video.

Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus

Club Trillion Founder

THE DEADLINE IS NEXT WEEK!!! FRIDAY MAY 22

Send in your images and forms we are excited to see your work! Thanks!

First online meeting

We're hoping to test an online meeting/chat this Tuesday, 5/12 from 5:30 to 6:30pm. (We'll still be meeting face-to-face on Thursday, 5/21 at 5:45 at Barnes & Noble.) We will take notes during the online chat for those who cannot attend.

For the online meeting, we plan to use Gmail chat. We'd like to test this and see how it works for us, and if all goes well, we can make this the general format for a monthly online meeting. (And we'll be sure to provide more advanced notice of online meetings in the future.)

If you are interested in joining us for this online meeting, please do the following:

1. If you don't have a Gmail account, go to gmail.com and click "create an account." Fill out this page to create your account. (If you have a Gmail account already, skip this.)


2. Write to asan.ohiostate@gmail.com and provide us with your Gmail name.

We'll be sure to send you a chat invite and everything you need to know. Gmail is free and you won't be required to download any program to participate -- everything appears in your web browser. We decided that this might be the easiest route for us all to connect.

If you'd like to participate but don't have access to a computer, don't feel comfortable with Gmail, or would rather not type, etc., please let us know. At least one of us will be at Ohio State with a laptop during the meeting, and we can arrange to meet and/or double up on computers.

Finally, please forward this to those who you think might be interested. And if you have questions, let us know. :)

NFB Disability Law Symposium Keynote Address by ASAN President Ari Ne'eman

On Friday, April 17th, 2009, Ari Ne'eman delivered the following comments to the National Federation of the Blind's Disability Law Symposium. A recording of the speech is available here on mp3 and a link to the rest of the symposium materials can be found at: http://www.nfb.org/nfb/Law_Symposium.asp.

The past half-century has seen a great proliferation in new kinds of conversation about rights. Once primarily relevant in the context of criminal justice and property disputes, rights-based discourses have expanded their scope throughout our society. We have civil rights, human rights, women’s rights, disability rights, immigrant rights, GLBT rights, commercial rights, social rights, privacy rights, animal rights, children’s rights, student rights, parental rights and countless more. Though we may not all agree on the extent or even legitimacy of them, it cannot be disputed that we have broadened our global conception of the role for this concept called rights in our social, legal, economic, policy and societal frameworks. And yet, at the same time as we have updated the role of rights-based conversations in our society, we remain with some very obsolete ideas about where rights come from. This holds us back.


We go out to the world and we tell them in so many ways that it is time for our rights to be realized. We talk about inclusion, we talk about integration, we talk about access, but when we are asked why, our answers are typically phrased in the language of either cost-benefit or desperate need. The one turns our civil rights struggle into a conversation on policy technicalities; the other evokes the very charity-oriented model of disability support that we have been trying to escape. Neither type of response brings the understanding and the knowledge necessary to communicate both the nature and the urgency of our priorities because both talk about rights without talking about where they derive. To legitimize our rights, we have to explain where they are from and so show that they do exist in the ways we talk about.

But where do rights derive? That is the question. The enlightenment political philosophy that our country was based on put forward the idea of a social contract, arrived at by individuals in a state of anarchy, determining to place some of their G-d-given natural rights into a central government for the purpose of securing the remaining ones. This theory carries with it much charm – it fits with our nation’s philosophy of government by the people, for the people, it recognizes and respects rights as inalienable, not temporal whims to be overridden by the first tyrant with a passing fancy. Unfortunately, it is anachronistic and also inaccurate. There has never been a state of nature and our modern ideas of rights go far beyond the negative right protections against government intervention that are all this model allows for. Our community would not be the only one left out by such a limited conception of rights, but we certainly would be one of the first and one of the worst served.

What does that leave us? Where do rights come from? The United States Declaration of Independence says that men are “endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights”. I believe that to be true – for both men and women, it should be noted. And yet, for our purposes, this does not help us very much. Because the very reason we seek a source for rights in the first place is to help us understand what they are. Barring a theocracy tied to a particular holy text, the belief that rights are divinely inspired does not shed much light on their nature.

You, the people here gathered today, represent some of the most important leaders of a movement devoted to securing and advancing recognition of the rights of a segment of the global population that has been denied them, perhaps more extensively and more pervasively than any other. For generations upon generations the very idea that our population was discriminated against, was deprived of rights was not even on the agenda. Disability was – and in so many senses, still is perceived – as a problem that should be solved by charity and whose persistence could be blamed only on the lack of sufficient humanitarian instincts on the part of the public and the as yet too slow progression of medical science. Disability rights were not on the agenda as far as rights crusaders were concerned – that was a province for those who ministered to the poor unfortunates of the world, the sad accidents, the there but for the grace of G-d go I angels who gave of themselves and found meaning in those tragic burdens.

Then things started to change – not so much with the world, though it is starting, slowly and not yet by any means surely, but with ourselves. We began not to conceive of our existences as mistakes, our misfortunes as G-d’s will and our utility limited to being gracious for that which hath been given us. We got activated. We got interested. We got angry. We looked out on the world and found the blame for our misfortune lied not with G-d or with medical defects but with a society that was built up for centuries upon centuries without any thought to the prospect that people like us might live in it. In that moment – and we have each found it at different points in our lives – but in that moment, we saw power abused, we saw injustice – in short, we saw wrongs and so our rights were born. In that moment – that epiphany – the world changed for us, and disability rights were born.

In my own community – that of Autistic adults and youth, a group that has been targeted with an unprecedented wave of fear and pity-mongering as of late by entities that unjustly attempt to speak on our behalf – this paradigm shift is motivated by multiple sources. At one level, the socially constructed nature of at least some of our difficulties is a simple conclusion to reach, as many of our challenges are social in nature. At another level, our community’s outrage at lack of representation in the national conversation about us brought us to the disability rights outlook. This is represented for us in the neurodiversity movement, which seeks to recognize our neurology as legitimate and change the autism conversation from one of cures and eugenics to one of quality of life and equality of opportunity. Our movement for what we desire – independent, understanding, opportunity and respect – is a response to attempts to force on us what we oppose – dependency, isolation, pity and loss of control over our own lives.

The very foundation of our legal system comes from something remarkably similar. Why do we guarantee freedom of speech, freedom of petition, freedom of assembly, much less the right to a speedy and public trial or to not have troops quartered in ones home? It is a direct outgrowth of our experiences with the British crown and it was only once we had that experience with injustice that we could properly understand what justice looked like. A quick look across history will reveal much the same thing. Our national experience with slavery imprinted us with the right to freedom from forced servitude on the basis of race. The gains of the civil rights movement were not just the result of superior organization and a superb moral cause, they were our nation’s recognition – still partial – of the legacy of lynching, segregation and racism. Anti-Semitism was driven from the country club to the conspiracy theory fringe when the knowledge of the Holocaust came into our homes. Gay rights have advanced because of public awareness of brutal hate crimes such as the torture and murder of Matthew Shepard. To quote Harvard’s Alan Dershowitz, rights come from wrongs.

Let us be clear. This does not mean that we are purchasing social goods with our victimhood. There are those who would put it in those terms – the people who claim that we are owed something not because it is objectively just for us to receive it but because of our community having been deprived something else that should justly have been ours. Many aspects of the disability policy framework built in decades past are built on that idea, the retributive model of disability. This is the concept behind much of our Social Security Disability infrastructure. The result of it has, in fact, been a form of inaccessible infrastructure unto itself, with individuals forced to swear, even as many are only just starting their lives, that they are incapable of ever working in meaningful employment in order for them to gain the government support necessary to survive. This system was built on old assumptions of dependency – it was built for the conversation about need, not for the one about rights and about justice. It is one of many examples of the kind of infrastructure we must radically alter if we hope to bring the conversation about disability into the 21st century. Another example can be found in the judicial decisions that necessitated the recently signed into law ADA Amendments Act. For what reason did the disability community have to, eighteen years after the ADA first came into effect, work to pass it once again for a considerable portion of the disability population? It is because the judges that interpreted the narrow definition of disability that the legislation sought to fix saw the ADA as a law about charity – specifically, charity for the most severely impaired – not justice for all those who are being discriminated against.

What does the idea of rights coming from wrongs imply then, if not compensation for having been victimized? It should serve to show us what direction our advocacy should take and, much more importantly, it should show the public reason why the goals our advocacy aspires to realize are important. For too long, our civil rights movement has been one by stealth. Even as we built tremendous political power and created civil rights laws and social welfare programs, we often did it not by making a credible claim that this is the way the world should be, but by playing on the idea that society should show “compassion” and “pity” for the disabled. This was not entirely our fault. We’re dealing with a media and, as a result, a general public that has not even begun to understand the nature and implications of disability rights. But regardless of why we are here, we still have to deal with the results of having won our legal and political victories while bypassing the social ones that should have come first. The consequence is that our movement and all the progress it has brought is still seen, in most circles, as one of charity or worse still as a stopgap until – be it by eugenics, euthanasia or medical cures – disability is no longer a part of the human experience. This is what Dr. tenBroek was referring to when he wrote about our “right to live in the world” and the failure of the broader community to accept that right as of yet.

This knowledge places our struggle for recognition of even our victories on the civil rights front in context. Why, almost twenty years after the ADA, do we still see such extensive discrimination and lack of access in terms of employment and places of public accommodation? Why, ten years after Olmstead, do we still see institutions and nursing homes that are near impossible for our people to escape? Why, after Deaf President Now and many similar such actions are so many disability organizations groups that speak about us, without us? Why after the MDA Labor Day Telethon and Ransom Notes and countless other examples of unethical fundraising and advertising tactics do we still see media campaigns that devalue our very personhood and cast us as less than human?



The answer is because when we come to the public with our demands of rights and speak those rights unto the world with all the passion of that aforementioned epiphany, the world only sees part of the message. They see the demand for rights but not the wrongs from which the rights were born. They look at the individual who uses a wheelchair who cannot enter an inaccessible building or the Autistic student who, like I myself have been, is excluded from his home school and what they see is not an inaccessible infrastructure but needy, pitiful dependents. And they may meet our immediate demands for laws and public programs, as charity is still seen as necessary and good and proper by so many well-meaning souls. However, the enforcement of those laws and the implementation of those programs will never be as urgent or as meaningful a priority to them as it is for the “true” civil rights movements.

To them, this is still very much a conversation about need – not injustice. This is not a petty distinction. To have a conversation about justice is to call for a civil rights movement that all members of the human community should feel a moral obligation to join and support. To have a conversation about mere need is to call only for charity conducted mostly by those who usually do not feel that need themselves and have their own ideas about the manner in which it should be fulfilled.

I am reminded, by way of example, of an experience my group, the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, had when leading a protest against offensive advertisements depicting children with disabilities as kidnap victims posted across New York City. The campaign, called “Ransom Notes”, consisted of faux ransom notes from the disabilities that had taken the normal children that were supposedly once in the bodies of now disabled young people. We mobilized thousands of Autistic people and those with other disabilities, brought support from two dozen national and regional disability rights organizations and also garnered some support from sympathetic segments of the parent and professional community. Finally, after thousands of phone calls and e-mails, our story began to hit the media – with the UPI headline, “Ads anger parents of autistic children.”

Of course the story was accurately reported in other news sources and we did succeed in getting the ads withdrawn, but there is a certain sense of frustration over the lack of agency that is allowed our community. Even when every single one of the organizations doing press outreach and explaining our case to the public were consumer-controlled disability rights organizations, the only available paradigm that the media could place this in was one in which we were only passive onlookers as our parents fought on our behalf. Every disability group and most disability rights activists have similar stories.

And so even as we spend more money and more political will on disability issues than we ever have before, we are limited in what we can achieve because the conversation is not one about justice, it is not one about recognizing wrongs and rectifying the institutions that continue to commit them. It isn’t about putting power in the hands of the people who have been deprived it. It is about charity and dependency and all of those other things that infantilize and marginalize us, controlled by those who speak for us on our behalf and without our permission.

The average member of the public does not know about Buck v. Bell or the tens of thousands of Americans with disabilities or perceived to have disabilities who were involuntarily sterilized as a result of the eugenics movement. They do not know about Willowbrook or the countless Americans with disabilities who have had to live out their whole lives in institutions – much less the many Americans with disabilities who still must suffer this segregation. They don’t know about the Judge Rotenberg Center or school abuse through aversives, restraint and seclusion. The people in charge of our futures do not understand our history. They don’t see ADAPT calling out, “We Will Ride” or “Free Our People”. They don’t see Deaf President Now at Gallaudet. All they see is the Jerry Lewis MDA telethon or the Autism Speaks fear-mongering television advertisements or Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey promoting pseudo-scientific claims of pharmaceutical company-government conspiracies to poison their children into autism with vaccines. It isn’t just because the money and the media power is in the hands of those other groups. It’s because the public narrative about disability doesn’t know where to place groups like ASAN and the NFB and a movement like ours. The ideas about dependency run so deep, the charity and victim models are so ingrained, that the response of most reporters and members of the general public to our message is one of cognitive dissonance before pigeonholing our movement into whatever disability narrative is easiest for them to classify us into. Maybe this is why the disability movement has not yet had our Rodney King or Matthew Shepard moment – since the concept of disabled people as suffering is a natural, normal, expected thing in the eyes of the media and the public, suffering brought on from discrimination or abuse is simply placed into the same, “unfortunate but unavoidable” category as all disability-related misfortunes tend to be.

A perfect example of this can be found in the Supreme Court’s Alabama v. Garrett decision, where the court struck down Congress’s attempt to abrogate the sovereign immunity of the states from damages under ADA lawsuits on the grounds that there was insufficient evidence to “identify a pattern of irrational state discrimination in employment against the disabled." To a slim majority of the Justices of the Supreme Court, disability discrimination is not the result of having built infrastructures for only a portion of the population but a perfectly rational act that the equal protection clause cannot be expected to serve as a remedy for. To quote the Court, “the Fourteenth Amendment does not require States to make special accommodations for the disabled, so long as their actions toward such individuals are rational. They could quite hardheadedly–and perhaps hardheartedly–hold to job-qualification requirements which do not make allowance for the disabled. If special accommodations for the disabled are to be required, they have to come from positive law and not through the Equal Protection Clause.” Here, once again, disability rights are not matters of equal protection given to full citizens under the law, they are portrayed as matters of charity that good hearted people engage in.

The good news is that this does show us what our next steps should be. It explains the biggest obstacle for the disability rights movement’s ascension to the next level of rights discourse in America - placing us on par with other minority groups based on race, religion, sexual orientation and similar attributes. That obstacle is the failure to take our message to the public. I’m pleased by the progress that we’re seeing in that direction in respect to the growing Disability History movement, attempting to incorporate the history of people with disabilities and our civil rights struggle into the classroom just as the experiences of other American minority groups has been incorporated. In many ways, finding a way to cement our past into the American national narrative will be the best way to ensure we have a future. We must carry that message forward, but to succeed we need our President and Congressional representatives to join us in making that case to the American people. Furthermore, it is important for us to memorialize and to educate the public about the achievements of men such as Dr. Jacobus tenBroek as well as other disability leaders like Ed Roberts or Justin Dart not just to pay respect to those who have gone before but to show the world that we do have a history of taking control over our own lives and that there is a real and legitimate civil rights movement of, by and for people with disabilities. To quote Ed Roberts, “the greatest lesson of the civil rights movement is that the moment you let others speak for you, you lose.” Showing the world those parts of our past where we have confronted the wrongs that are being committed against us and restored agency to our community is one way for us to take back our voice.

Another thing that we must do is to begin to confront and to confront vigorously those organizations and groups that speak about us, without us. When Jerry Lewis or VOR or Autism Speaks go to the public and claim to represent the needs and perspectives of the disability community with their calls for more pity, more segregation, more eugenics and more distance from our dream of being recognized as equal citizens in this society, they perpetrate upon us an obscenity. This obscenity nevertheless has use in that teaches us about how important to the disability rights movement it is for us to take control of our own message and our own community. We must organize not just around laws but around the public conversation on disability, confronting those corporate donors and political infrastructures that give support to these repressive, fear-mongering groups that challenge our right to live in this world. To quote Dr. tenBroek himself, “there are…large and powerful agencies abroad in the land, considerable in number and vast in influence, which remain hostile to our movement in thought, in speech, and in action. Under the guise of professionalism, [they] would perpetuate colonialism. [Their] philosophy is a throwback to the age of the silent client, before the revolution in welfare and civil rights, which converted the client into an active and vocal partner in the programming and dispensing of services. In…[their]…lofty disregard of the organized blind as the voice of those to be served, [they] betray bureaucratic bias that is…[an]…image of the blind client not as a person to be served but as a defective mechanism to be serviced.” The same could be said about many similar groups that speak about us, without us in many disability communities.

Finally, in order to communicate our message to the public, we must also realize that the most effective social change comes not from activism but from individuals. For the public to understand that the disability message is a civil rights message, they must hear that message from their friends, their family members and their co-workers with disabilities. Beyond this, for us to accomplish that, we must succeed in broadening the base of the disability rights movement to encompass a broader scope of people with disabilities in general. There remain too many people with disabilities who do not yet have the chance to participate in our community. We must broaden our community and give every disabled person access to the disability culture and perspective.

I’d like to end by quoting American philosopher Henry David Thoreau, who said, “You have built castles in the clouds, now you must build the foundation underneath them.” As we talk about how to imprint the American public with the meaning and message of the disability rights movement, we talk about what must be done to build the foundations that will show that our vision is no dream. This is what we must do. This is what we can do. This is what we will do. Thank you for your time and I look forward to working with all of you to bring this hope into reality.

Testing, Testing

Because nobody seems to be talking about swine flu, I kind of feel obligated to explain it to everyone. I know you probably aren’t taking swine flu all that seriously, but keep in mind that the first known case of swine flu turned a regular, upstanding citizen into Hoggish Greedly, the most hated nemesis of Captain Planet. One day you’re wondering whether jean jackets will ever come back in style and the next day you’re telling Al Gore and his global warming to shove it, all because you want to make a quick buck. Do yourself a favor and go get tested if you start to grow a snout and/or a curly pink tail.

Speaking of getting tested, I experienced the worst part about playing college basketball for yet another time today. A complete stranger watched me urinate while I had my shirt off and my pants down to my knees. No, I’m not trying to join a fraternity, even though it is Greek Week at tOSU. I was simply being tested to see if my level of manliness falls within the normal range. Or something like that.

I would estimate that I get drug tested anywhere between four and way too many times a year. I’m not entirely sure what I am being tested for so I always make it a point to ask. I usually do this by saying something along the lines of “Are you guys testing for awesomeness? Cause I can tell you right now that I will most certainly test positive if that’s the case.” I then follow that up by laughing at my own joke and doing that thing where I tap people on their shoulder/upper arm with my backhand until they laugh or at least half-smile out of pity. On second thought, maybe I wouldn’t test positive for awesomeness.

The drug testing process begins when I walk into the gym and immediately remind myself that my bladder is full and it needs to be relieved ASAP. I then will walk into the locker room and see a sign that says “DRUG TESTING AFTER PRACTICE. DON’T PEE BEFORE THEN” (yes, it’s in all CAPS), at which point I will get visibly upset. After my frustration subsides, I go to practice and perform at an even lower level than I usually do because my bladder is so full that it quite literally stings.

Following practice, I rush back to the locker room so that I can be the first guy tested, which is a strategy that always fails. For whatever reason, I always end up getting stuck in line behind Jon Diebler, who is easily the worst drug test taker in the history of both drugs and urinating. Every time we get tested, Jon explains to everyone how badly he has to use the restroom and then always proceeds to choke when the spotlight comes on. Honestly, Jon’s inability to urinate while someone is watching is a little bit ridiculous and needs to come to an end. That’s why I’m calling on the Trillion Man March to help build Jon’s confidence. If any of you ever see Jon in a public restroom, simulate a drug test by staring at him while he’s using the urinal.

(Wait, what did I just suggest?)

By the time my turn comes around, the guy conducting the test explains to me that he needs me to generate enough urine to fill the cup to a particular line. That’s when I let out a few confident laughs, look him in the eye and say “watch this”, and proceed to practically overflow the cup while “Welcome To The Jungle” resonates throughout my head (not too sure why, but I’ve found that when I have GNR on my mind, I’m much more effective at urinating). After I’m done, I take my sample over to the dude conducting the test and wait a few minutes while he picks his jaw up off the ground. It’s performances like this that make it easy to see why I’ve been the team MVP for three straight years. I’ll let you figure out what the “P” in that acronym stands for.

Personally, I don’t think that the drug test could have come at a better time, seeing as how the news just broke that Manny Ramirez decided to embrace his feminine side by taking women’s fertility drugs. I used this news to my advantage, as I explained to the conductors of the test that I too had been taking fertility drugs because I’ve unsuccessfully been trying to get pregnant for a few years. Again, this awful attempt at a joke ended with me doing the backhand tap thing, which, come to think of it, has become my bailout plan for all of my jokes. If ever a joke doesn’t work, I use the backhand shoulder tap as a recovery tool and immediately recapture the audience’s attention. I encourage using this move in your life when applicable.

Every time I get drug tested, I can’t help but laugh at the notion that I might be taking performance-enhancing drugs. If it weren’t for the fact that a random guy is staring at my genitals, I’d almost be flattered. Seriously, do you really need to test my urine to see if I’m enhancing my performance? All it takes is one look at my career stats to conclude that even if I am taking performance-enhancing drugs, clearly they aren’t working. Maybe they are testing for drugs that would enhance my blogging performance, in which case, I really can’t blame them one bit. Still, even though everyone on the team gets tested, I can’t help but convince myself that someone out there thinks that my abilities on the court are so spectacular that there’s a chance I could be doping.

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I want to take a quick second and disregard all the rules I laid out for this blog that pertain to how I distribute shout-outs, because it was brought to my attention that my new favorite football player reads this blog or at the very least is a fan of it.

I don’t talk about other sports all that often on my blog, so most of you probably don’t know that I have been a pretty big fan of the Minnesota Vikings since I was seven years old. My dad roomed with Cris Carter’s brother, Butch, in college, which prompted me to go around school when I was younger and brag about how I was friends with Cris Carter. I was never much of a football fan as a kid, but when I realized that I kind of knew a pro player, I latched on and watched every Vikings game I could. I tell you that to tell you this.

In the May 6th edition (Page 3) of Sporting News, Vikings quarterback Sage Rosenfels listed this blog as one of three of his bookmarked sites. Because Brett Favre decided to stay retired and because nobody in their right mind has any sort of confidence in Tarvaris Jackson, there’s a solid chance that Sage will be the starting quarterback for my favorite football team this fall. This is a huge deal to me. I’ve endured the 1998 NFC Championship meltdown, the 2000 NFC Championship blowout, and the dissolving of one of the greatest offenses in NFL history, but knowing that the current Vikings quarterback digs my blog more than makes up for those heartbreaks. The Vikings have the best running game and the best defense in the league. Now that they have a solid quarterback, you can put them in the NFC Championship game right now. At the very least, you can mark them down as starting the season 1-0, because the Browns stand no chance in Week 1. I might just have to make the short drive up to Cleveland and taunt the Dawg Pound in my horned viking hat thing and my Rosenfels jersey. That would certainly make for an interesting blog entry.

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After me and my sorry attempt at a faux hawk were on the front page of Yahoo! and after I prompted the Trillion Man March to send in questions for a future mailbag (don’t worry, the new name is coming in the next paragraph), my inbox exploded. I got something like 250 e-mails, all of which I have read, but I’m now taking the time to sort through them and pick out my favorite questions. The Trillion Man March continues to impress.

Also, after dropping a line about wanting to come up with a new name for the mailbag, the Trillion Man March offered a ton of suggestions. The best name, which also happened to be the most frequently sent in name, was “Shark Tank.” Therefore, the mailbag will now be referred to as “The Shark Tank” or simply “Shark Tank.” The first edition of The Shark Tank should come within the next couple of weeks, provided something awesome doesn’t happen in the basketball program between now and then. Keep sending in questions and I’ll do my best to dodge your question and find a way to tie in an otherwise completely irrelevant YouTube video.

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Streak for the Cash Group Leader: J. Hughes (streak of 13 wins)

Streak for the Cash Group Loser: B. Truslow, for the second entry in a row (streak of 13 losses)

Your awesome YouTube was sent in to me by Matt S. There's your shout-out, Matt. And here's your video.

Your Friend and My Favorite,

Mark Titus

Club Trillion Founder