As you obviously know by now, the most important election in recent memory is quickly approaching. Kyle Madsen and myself are campaigning to win the title of “Whitest Guy on the Team.” In case you don’t remember this or in case you are curious as to why people such as Danny Peters, Jon Diebler, B.J. Mullens, and the rest of the team aren’t up for the title, refer to this entry that explained everything.
I have decided to keep the polls open until March 2nd at 11:59 p.m., so all of you who read the blog at work still have a chance to vote on that Monday. Don’t be afraid to actually do a little bit of work before or after you vote, though. I don’t want Obama’s economy-saving plan to include shutting down my blog so all you twenty-somethings who just graduated college and had no idea how boring a 9 to 5 is will be at least semi-productive.
Anyway, I gave you my campaign post two weeks ago and it’s only fair that I give Kyle a chance for a rebuttal. I will now turn it over to the other candidate in this race, Kyle Madsen.
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The Shark Attack
After reading Mark’s campaign post, I have decided that now is the right time to address some of the issues he has brought to the forefront. Most importantly, I view a Titus win in this election as the equivalent of Gusalina actually being able to throw 92 with movement. (For real, though, who are you Gusalina?)
Secondly, my opponent claims NASCAR is white. That’s cool. I’ll agree. He grew up ten minutes down the road from Jeff Gordon. That’s nice. I don’t know a single thing about NASCAR and I don’t care to. However, I do know that I grew up five minutes from Jack Nicklaus and probably two minutes from the statue that stands in his likeness on the main road through my hometown of Dublin. Name a sport whiter than golf and I’ll tell you why its not.
The last beef I have with The Shark’s whiteness claim is this—Mark knows the word to nearly every single 2Pac song ever made. While I admit that this is actually quite impressive, the fact that he owns Pac’s poetry book, “The Rose that Grew From Concrete”, takes it one step too far. I understand many white people know and love 2Pac, but honestly, the whitest of whites (like me, for example) only know this Pac song and would never consider purchasing a book consisting only of 2pac’s poetry. How about something with real substance, like Shel Silverstein’s “Falling Up”? I respect 2Pac (RIP), but I don’t understand America or Titus’ obsession.
Moving forward, I have decided the best way for you, The Trillion Man March, to become informed and cast your ballot fairly and knowledgably is to summarize my life in the same five categories (Music, Sports, Recreation, Appearance, and Heroes) the Shark did. This way you all will have something concrete with which to make comparisons.
Music
I want to be honest. I can’t sit here with a straight face and type I hate country music. It’s just not true. I, like the Shark, enjoy sitting down and listening to Garth Brook’s “Callin’ Baton Rouge” just as much as the next white guy. One of the saddest moments of my life was actually when Garth closed his concert series in Kansas City. He always will be more than a memory and his career is something I am thankful for everyday.
Besides country music, my other musical tastes lie on a spectrum ranging from the Counting Crows all the way to the Counting Crows. In my opinion seeing the Counting Crows live and in a small intimate setting is the only thing halfway comparable to Garth. Lead singer Adam Duritz doesn’t get the credit he deserves and the band’s album “New Amsterdam: Live at Heinken Music Hall” should have gone platinum trillions of times over. One of music’s greatest travesties remains that it did not. Just ask these guys.
Sports
Most of you probably already realize that basketball is my sport of choice. I guess you could say the alley-oop is not exactly my strong point. While I have thrown a few down in my day, I’ll admit, I’m no LeBron. I play the game with my brain and my arsenal of moves from 0-17 ft. I’m guessing most of you have seen me play at some point so I figure you already know what I do in this arena (and if you haven’t, then I suggest you stop turning on the OSU games only in the final minutes to see if Titus gets in).
My other favorite sport is golf. In fact, I am proud to say that back in the 8th grade I was a member of the KMS golf team. I should also say that in the 7th grade I was cut from the KMS golf team after I posted close to a trillion in tryouts. The day I was cut was the second saddest day of my life, next to Garth signing out in Kansas City. Fortunately my golf game has improved drastically since 7th grade, but I’m still nowhere close to my hometown hero Jack Nicklaus.
Recreation
The only recreation currently in my life, with the obvious exception of basketball, is basically playing Pro Evolution Soccer on PS3. This game was recommended to me by one of our foreign teammates, Nikola Kecman and we play each other frequently. Perhaps the biggest goal in my life right now is to beat Kets in PES. This could be challenging, considering that in Serbia, apparently all they do is play this game. My team of choice is AC Milan. You may know them from the recent David Beckham saga. Kets plays with Classic Brazil. I’m having trouble explaining to him (in Serbian) that this is not fair. Something seemingly always gets lost in the translation. For those of you who do not understand, this would be like the Oklahoma City Thunder without Kevin Durant playing a team full of superstars.
Appearance
I guess you could say I look like the typical white guy minus my 6’9 stature. I’ve got baby blue eyes and an awesome buzz cut to match. I own a solid collection of Polos, and will pretty much rock any of them with a pair of blue jeans when I don’t know what to wear. If the weather gets a little colder you might see me wearing a sweater and North Face jacket. I have come to find that the North Face Jacket is a signature white guy move. In fact, if I lose the election for any other reason than my wearing a North Face, I’ll accept it.
Heroes
My heroes are guys like Brian Scalabrine, Mark Madsen (no relation), Chris Quinn (fellow Dublin-ite), and Wally Sczerbiak. I love the guys who when you look at them you think, “Wait? This guy is in the NBA? And he has been for years? What? Why?” Those guys are my heroes. The ones who may or may not sneak through the cracks and create a role for themselves by hitting wide open jumpers and setting vicious screens. I like these guys because while what they do for there respective teams rarely gets them any credit or attention, they continue to do it and do it so well they get paid millions of dollars. I know somewhere right now they are laughing there asses off for basically stealing money. That’s why they are my heroes. I guess my idea of heroes are those who are the underappreciated underdogs who have continually proven they are worth more than a ten day contract.
Now that you have had the opportunity to become familiar with what I stand for, I hope it is clear who the better choice for whitest guy on the team is. I hope that I did not waste my afternoon writing this only for the Shark to win by a landslide because this is his blog. That’s not fair, and that’s not white. Please take your time and consider both our resumes equally. After all, that is the only way to have a democratic election. And last time I checked, this is America, where democracy is king (I guess “president by way of a vote of its citizens” is a more applicable title, but you get the idea).
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The Illinois game over the weekend garnered a single one-arm embrace from Bubba Chisholm, who I know reads the blog. Call me stereotypical, but something about Bubba makes me think that he would win this election with ease if he were in the running.
The Penn State game produced a donut in the one-arm embrace department.
One Armed Embraces: 8 to date (0 last game)
Bone-Crushing Screens: 1 to date (0 last game)
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I bypassed all the fan submissions for awesome YouTube videos for this post because of a couple obvious reasons. The first being that this is Kyle’s campaign post and this video features him getting buckets. The second being that this video took place last night. Enjoy.
Your Friend and My Favorite,
Mark Titus
Club Trillion Founder