This is a picture of me, taken almost 15 years ago, when I was a couple of sizes larger and many pounds heavier. Although I don't look terrible, I certainly would never be mistaken for thin or even being at a healthy weight for my height at that time. I didn't realize at the time how overweight and uncomfortable I was, nor that I could actually feel so much better. I didn't know what it was to feel really healthy and fit, because, although I wasn't unhealthy and rarely got sick, I hadn't ever been fit.
I look at myself then--and at earlier points in my life, when I looked about the same or even a little fatter--and I am determined not to look like that again. That's why I panicked a couple months ago at the doctor's office, when I saw that I had gained a noticeable amount of weight over the winter. I worried that I was sliding down the slope to meet my previous self, and, to use a technical term, it freaked me out. That picture reminds me of where I don't want to go and helps motivate me to make the choices that will keep me from having that body again.
This is a picture of me two summers ago, when I was at a much lower, very happy weight, and was pretty fit too. You can see that my body isn't perfect--there's some flab on those arms, probably a little roll or two hiding under the shirt around the middle, and there's really nothing I can do about my wide hips--but that's ok. I looked better than I'd ever looked, I had lots of energy, and I felt great. I was confident in my appearance, which in turn made me more confident in general. When I see this photo, I think, "You look mahvelous!" And I'm motivated to keep making good choices so I can look this good again.
It's not about conforming to society's ideal of the female form (which I'll never have), getting dates, or seeking approval from others. If I try to lose weight for those reasons, I'll never really succeed. It's about being my best self--knowing that I am taking care of my body, knowing that I'm doing my best, overcoming my own inhibitions and limits, pushing myself to reach my potential. It's about feeling confident in my appearance--feeling that I look my best--and feeling comfortable in my own skin, especially in social situations, instead of being discouraged because none of my clothes look good on me or fit me well. It's about freedom and strength. It's also about fighting the bad genes I've inherited that predispose me to obesity, diabetes, high cholesterol, and heart disease. I refuse to accept that that is my fate and there's nothing I can do about it.
**Insert raucous war cry here.**
I will never look like a super model. Unless I starve myself, I will always have hips and a booty and probably a little pooch in my tummy too. That's ok. I don't like it, but I fully accept it and it doesn't bother me. I want to be strong and healthy and be my best self.
When I'm an old, old spinster, I want young people to look at me, just back from my latest active adventure, and whisper to each other, "She's 87? She doesn't look a day over 69!"